It has been a while

The sun was setting, birds were flying and gentle autumn breeze added to that beautiful moment.
As I thought another day would not have passed, but it did. For now I would call it memory, all the happy, sad and complicated time. I do not want to be understood, because soon after they would forget anyway.

Me, I was that little four leaf clover hidden among the grass. I get up everyday when the morning sun rises. And when the light is yet about to leave I am praying the day would not end so soon. Yes, I do not want to sleep because I love the sun so much. The sun brighten my days though both us add beauty to the world in our own ways. One of our differences would be I could disappear one day either naturally or through humans’ action, but the sun will be there for a long long time to come. Still who would want to think about that day? I just want to believe that we are going to be in this universe for as long as we can. But if I could talk to the sun, and let’s pretend the sun is a male because I’m a female; I would ask him to shine a bit less brightly because it is impossible for me to wear sunglasses like humans do. In return I would promise him I would smile everyday and especially for him. In addition, I would ask my flowers neighbours to keep blooming beautifully as well. We will not be sad when there is rain on some days because we understand the sun want us to experience the sky in a different setting. Still, we would love it a lot if he could give us double rainbow right after.

Should we forgive people?

Let say he or she has not directly hurt you but someone you know so bad to the point that your someone got hurt. Like how the Khmer Rouge leaders have killed more than a million Cambodian people during their regime. Even if none of your close family member were killed from the regime, but the lives that were lost and the psychological effects that come after it is hard to measure. And the fact that a few of the top leaders have died. Are you okay with forgiving them?

Finding someone to blame when things go wrong may not always be right, but it does occur naturally. When my friend passed away, I was so angry with him. I thought he could have done this and that instead of leaving us. Then I read on stories of others. Had I been him, who knows what could have happened. I have not really experienced what he’s been through. And on top of that I do not really know what exactly happened to him. Truth be told, it has not been scientifically proven that heaven exists. But human exists. He is gone. If I hold on to get upset about his decision, I will not be happy and peaceful. The best way is putting myself in his shoes. The best way is acknowledging that the past is the past and forgive him. Actually I doubt if he needs my forgiveness because we are just friends like everyone else. We actually forgive ourselves when we forgive someone else. We let go of that tiny anger and welcome happiness.

To those who is reading this. If we cannot forgive or forget, just hold on to the good memory and keep living on.

the strangers

That fear and insecurity

How should I begin this? The moment when you have lost something or someone very important to you, and there’s no way you will ever get that back; that’s when insecurity and feeling of fear begins. Part of me is scared of losing, of parting from people I love. Sometimes, just sometimes, calculating time also happen. Like how much time left or if this is the last day we could have met, what should I have done. At times, people know duration of life cannot be controlled, but if we are only scared, could things get any better? 

Then there are times that despite all the fear and security, the feeling of love and good memory is so overwhelming and I am just simply happy and living in the moment. It is not holding on to the past, but it is appreciation and feeling grateful for all the good time and bad time that I and the people I know have had together. It is not just anyone’s guess of how long our life span is, but I am holding on to the belief of love and appreciation to keep me going on. Not letting the fear make me worse, but make it my encouragement to keep going. Saying I love you to the people I care about. Dropping a hi to friends who live far away that we have not been in touch for along time. Star t a random act of kindness as much as I can. Feeling good is the best thing in the world. Let try to be in peace. Let nature be the guide.  I am still scared, but I am doing fine. Keep going

on. Imagelog

Now that you’re gone

I grew up in a big family. It has not been just me, but we its togetherness. In just one day, someone so dear to me is forever gone. I have never imagined a forever goodbye. She was healthy and strong. How I’m I supposed to believe that she’s gone in just one evening after visiting the doctor? How do you think I can accept this? I am so angry. Yes, may be there is an afterlife, so what, then doesn’t it mean we have to meet her only after we gone from this current life?

I know life is so fragile, but I did’t know then it was my last summer at home that I could see her face. I’m going to relive the memory here so that I can remember her. Grandmother, you told me three years is long, but I thought it is not so. Now that you are not here anymore. I have come to realise it is really long. Why, because it is the last goodbye. Well, in fact, we haven’t said goodbye yet. It hurts because you love all of us so much. The day I left home for studying here, you kissed me all over and gave me a big hug. Every time I call, you wish me be well and healthy. The first thing I pray during new year is for everyone at home to be fine and healthy. How am I not supposed to be angry with god that my prayer is not answered.

Now that I think about it. Thank you so much grandmother for being forever kind to all of us and openly showed us your feeling. On the way back, it also reminds me of grandfather. I learned that grandfather loved us too, I don’t know how much but I got to imagine its hard for him to express his love verbally. We too, because grandfather looked as if he is strong, but he is fragile too. We haven’t openly shown him how much he mean to us. I hope he knows we love him too. Are you guys together now?

One of my best memory is going to Mondulkiri province with you both. You loved it so much. You offered the mango to pray to angels there and we rode across a range of beautiful green hills. The weather was cool, so much better than other area of Cambodia.

There was one day grandfather asked me to fetch him a tool, I was quick and got it to him in seconds. He told me if I always worked this fast, I will become a great person. He does’t like being lazy.

Grandfather passed away when he was 74 and grandmother passed away when he was 75 years old. He is 6 years older than grandmother.

Last summer, there was a demonstration in Cambodia. I rode on motorbike with her there. We had pizza at the riverside. Grandmother is a devoted Buddhist. I got up late almost everyday. She would  continuously asked to go to pagoda. That time I went there twice with her. We prayed at grandfather stupa. And we also went to pray at a place of a deity called Loakta who looks after people; a kind of superstition. She cleans that place very well. All the remaining candles, plus dirts were washed cleaned by her. She walks fast. I didn’t think she was growing old.

Then I think about all the stupid time she has gone through. The damn wars in Cambodia. The Khmer Rouge and civil wars and the time she and grandfather had to struggle for a living and supported all of us. Whenever I think about wars, I can never make any sense out of it.  The politics that Cambodian leaders have never really worked. I wonder what has gone wrong in the head of those stupid leaders. Don’t they put well being of their people as priority. Screw those to want things that do not belong to them in the first place. Can’t they stop this already.

During Khmer Rouge, grandmother already had at least 6 to 7 children. All of them survive except one who passed away after he/she born for 9 days because may be the tools for used in the delivery was not hygienic. When my grandmother pray, she always dedicated all the good deeds to all the relatives and our ancestors. We don’t know how she could remember all of their names.

She only able to learn to read and write Khmer language from her father, but she learned it well. There were time when she recalled her dad teaching her French language. In Buddhist ceremonies, lots of things need to be prepared counting from plates, glasses, pictures of buddhas, and blankets for the guests. Grandmother actually had them prepared in advance. Whenever the ceremony ended, she would clean stuffs and put it back to its place neatly so that we do not have trouble finding them.

In grandmother room and on the wall outside her room, she like to sticks photos  of all of us on the wall. There are so many of them.

I guess you miss me too? Thanks for appearing in my dream. Two days ago I dreamed about you in the early morning teaching how to recite buddhist prayer. I do not want to give up on god either, so I will continue to believe that there is god who is taking of you and as long we love people, things will turn out fine for all of us. Grandmother and grandfather, please do not worry about all of us. We will be doing just fine and we will love each other as you wish. I too still believe in humanity. May you both stay happy wherever you are.

How safe can we be

There was this country which grew weaker as time passes by. I am afraid to do anything about it. I just watch everything happening in silence. The systems is deteriorating. The health care system is not working. And when we take a look at education, it is even more saddening because we can cheat if we want to. We are taught from young age from the very place which suppose to teach us to be righteous.

In trying to survive, we ourselves have indirectly contributed to weaken this country’s very own development. The food  we eat,  we don’t really know what is in there. The chemical substances overused for the food products regardless how risky it is for our health. The doctors who are trying to make money, forgetting to update their knowledge and put conscience as priority. The careless drunk drivers and the loose law enforcement. The rich people who exploit the poor. The city urban development which are not build based on good planning.

I’m not trying to be negative here, I’m just saying what it is in our society here. Of course there are good people. There are those who feel pain by it and sincerely hope it would get better. When will things get better. When will they give in and give up on their greed? We can continually ask this question and may be we won’t even get the answer.

Rest in peace for those who lose their life to this ongoing wars. We do not want to fight anymore. But do we have a choice. When even for them trying to survive is made difficult from the system. If only we could put humanity, virtue, and love in our head and heart, may be all of us can live better? May be we don’t have to kill each other? May be we don’t have to step on others to stand on the top? Just may be.

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what would you call today?

the word “overated” keep reminding of everything around me, but then will peace alone be enough for today complicated world? Its not sufficient even for myself so how can you alone govern anyone else to think or behave the way you deem appropriate?

While I am having fun, some people are struggling with flooding situation or having nothing to eat on a regular basis. How much do I actually care? Whose fault is it that some people have to be born in a very difficult conditions like poverty, illness and corrupted country? How dare you to point finger at them… I beg you if you cannot be of any help, please just do not make it worse.

May be it is alot easier to blame people than do a self reflection on ourselves. May be you find it more justified that other people are wrong and forgive yourself.

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Pork and eggs

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If you happen to go to Cambodia, don’t forget to order chicken or pork rice with this long-time-cooked egg. It’s really delicious and cheap. It comes along with special made soured cucumber and carrot. Adding a few drops of soy source, you’ll ask for more.